Home · Library · Meditation · Loving Kindness

For a harsh inner voice 10 to 15 minutes Moderate

Loving Kindness

Metta, compassion meditation

Silently repeat a few simple good wishes, first for someone easy to care about, then gradually for harder people, including yourself. Awkward for the first week and then oddly effective.

Try it right now

Free, no sign up, nothing stored. This runs entirely in your browser.

01What it is

Loving kindness practice involves quietly repeating phrases like may you be well, may you be at ease, directed at a series of people in a widening circle. Almost everyone finds it excruciating at first. It is worth persisting past that, because it targets something no breathing exercise touches: the tone of voice you use with yourself.

02Why it might work

This is closer to deliberate rehearsal than to relaxation. You are practising a stance toward people, including yourself, in the same way you might practise scales. The claim is not that repeating phrases changes your feelings on the spot, but that repeatedly generating a kinder stance makes it more available later.

03The benefits

Addresses self criticism directlyMost calming techniques do nothing about a harsh internal narrator. This one is aimed at it.
Something to say when the mind is loudThe phrases give a busy mind a job, which some people find easier than watching the breath.
Useful for resentmentThe difficult person stage is uncomfortable and tends to be where people report the most change.
Reasonable trial evidence for the formatCompassion and loving kindness practices have been studied more than most contemplative techniques, with modest positive findings for positive affect.

04The full guide

  1. Sit comfortably and pick four short phrasesMay you be safe. May you be well. May you be at ease. May you be happy. Use your own wording if these feel stilted.
  2. Start with someone easyA friend, a child, a pet. Someone you feel uncomplicatedly warm toward. Repeat the phrases slowly for a minute or two.
  3. Move to someone neutralA shopkeeper, a neighbour you nod at. Someone you neither like nor dislike.
  4. Then someone difficultStart with mildly irritating rather than genuinely harmful. Do not begin with the hardest person in your life.
  5. Then yourselfMay I be safe. Many people find this the hardest stage by a wide margin. Notice that without arguing with it.
  6. Finish wideEveryone in this building, this street, this city. Everyone anywhere. Let it get vague.

05Best time to do it

  • Morning, before the day starts making its demandsIt sets a tone rather than lowering arousal.
  • After a conflictOnce you are no longer actively angry. Not during.
  • When you notice you are being cruel to yourselfWhich is the main reason to have it in your repertoire.
  • Not as a wind down before sleepIt tends to be activating rather than sedating.

Before you start, and what to watch for

  • Directing kindness at yourself can bring up grief or resentment unexpectedly. That is common and not a sign you are doing it wrong, but if it becomes overwhelming, stop.
  • Do not start with someone who has seriously harmed you. Many teachers advise leaving that out entirely, and there is no obligation to include anyone.
  • This is not a substitute for therapy, and it is not a way of talking yourself out of legitimate anger about being treated badly.

What the evidence actually says

Loving kindness and compassion meditation have a moderate research base, including randomised trials, with generally small to moderate effects on positive affect and self compassion measures. Studies are often short and rely on self report, and active control conditions are uncommon.